"A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword" ~Robert Burton
Alyssa is now 13 1/2, and WOW, am I completely not ready for the trials and tribulations involved in parenting her. Jayson was so easy. We had about a year where I wanted to strangle him for various things, but we got past it. However, life with Alyssa for the last couple of years has been a meat grinder, and I'm finally beginning to see small glimpses of her getting better, but when she's bad...Oh my goodness, it's BAD!
Yesterday afternoon ended up being a pivotal point in our relationship that I'm still trying to wrap my head around. In fact the only way that I can even fathom what transpired is by subjecting you all to it by typing it out. Long story short, I picked her up from school so we could dash to piano. Instead of coming right to the car, she stopped and chit-chatted with a friend. I tried texting her to remind her that I was waiting, and she didn't text me back because HER PHONE WAS AT HOME...on the charger! Needless to say, I was slightly irritated. I fully admit that my irritation definitely showed in my tone when I asked her why she had to have this conversation right at that moment when she knew that we had somewhere to be. Of course, Alyssa is in that "I'm touchy, and everyone is mad at me when they question me about things," so right away, I knew this was going to go somewhere where I didn't want to go...And it did.
Before I knew it, we were in a full fledged heated discussion. I hesitate to say argument because arguments usually involve both parties raising their voices to make their point. She was now yelling at me (no surprise there), and the conversation had migrated over to her "friends." This is relevant because the girl that she was talking to; well, they haven't spoken the entire year, yet they were very close the year before. Alyssa has moved on with new friends, and the girl hasn't. I personally felt that was very crappy, and chose to voice my opinion about that. I also voiced my opinion about not being very crazy about the friends that she hangs with now. (Think of the movie "Mean Girls"). At any rate, I find most of her friends morally questionable, and from watching their interactions while at my home, I have to question whether one girl in particular is truly vested in her friendship with Alyssa or just using Alyssa to get to her older brother. At any rate, I'm now digressing.
Alyssa was trying to tell me how wonderful they were, and how she can be friends with whoever she wants, and I couldn't help but smirk because of the idea that she truly has no idea how much I CAN influence who she hangs out with..homeschool anyone? And my smirk sent her over the edge into a fit of rage I have not seen very often from my daughter. And she then muttered the words, "You know what? You don't know my friends just because you've seen them at our house a few times! I like my friends and I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A ROLE MODEL FOR ME ANYWAY!" I was and still am taken aback by this comment. She could have said anything else to me; I hate you, you're an asshole, go to Hell, and it would not have had hurt...no killed me the way that comment did. And, where on earth did that comment come from?
I've stepped back, and took a look at myself and what kind of person I am...obviously I'm still doing that. I don't know where I have failed. I'm a mom, which I get it, not everyone wants kids, and that's great. I don't expect my daughter to have kids. I've gone back to school to obtain my Psychology degree (which I now find funny given my relationship dynamic with my daughter), I volunteer, I've overhauled my lifestyle into a much healthier one so that I can be here for Alyssa and my boys...but most of all I am always here for them if they need me. Where am I going wrong? All this time, I believed that I was a great role model for my daughter...and now I just feel confused. What is she looking for in a role model? Is she looking toward her friends to be role models?
This morning over breakfast, we talked about what happened yesterday, and I apologized for coming off like I was mad when I really was just irritated. I even apologized for being judgmental of her friends. Alyssa apologized for yelling at me and slamming my car door...but she never apologized for her comment that has now penetrated my self conscious and has me questioning why I am not good enough? I realize that in the heat of anger, some people will lash out with the most hurtful of words. Some will throw out some whoppers designed to inflict maximum damage, but wow, looking back at our argument in retrospect is positively mind numbing and heartbreaking for me. So, I concluded our conversation with, "I'm not sure what kind of role model that you are searching for, but I truly hope that you find what you are looking for, and able to achieve that." I didn't know what to say; I didn't want to sound passive aggressive. I still want to know what she is looking for. I don't want her to walk in my shoes, but I hope very much for her to be a strong woman. I just hope that she is able to find someone like that to emulate.
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